Refractions
by PBContessa
Summary: An S3 3parter. It starts out with Sydney's POV, then Vaughns, and finally Weiss's. There is more to death than meets the eye, and it was the silence that killed them.


Title: Refractions  
Author: BristowBoyScout545, Tess, or any other name you know me by  
Genre: Angst, but like everything else….not angst…  
Rating: Not sure it needs one…but PG-PG 13 I guess  
Summary: Ending the battle of unspoken words  
Timeline: S3 Post the Frame, but before Unveiled  
Disclaimer: Alias isn't mine, but I'm sure that was apparent to you

A/N: This is a three parter, all are written and typed, so the wait will be immensely short between parts. This is my first try at POVs, so be gentle. I'm not sure how I feel about this piece, so feedback would be appreciated. For all familiar with Skippy, he's been a little loopy lately, so this piece is very different from my other work.

Refractions

I.  
Everyone else has probably left by now. But I can't leave. I can't leave you. I told you I wouldn't give up on you, and I won't. I haven't spoken to anyone, and no one's spoken to me. What would they say? It's easy to know what to say to the one they're comforting. You had sworn to love her forever. She had a promise of a lifetime of happiness with you. I had nothing; only distant, jaded memories linked my heart to yours. She had your heart. She had your love. I didn't. And you can't lose something you never had. That's why they're comforting her. She's lost something; something tangible is now missing from her life. But if nothing's been taken from me, why do I feel so hollow?

Because even though you never took it, I put everything into you. Every hope, every fear, every scar, I shared them with you, and even though you didn't want them, they were yours to have, just as I was. You're gone, and all of those things are gone with you. I've been emptied of everything except emptiness. And my love for you. I still love you.

But it's my fault your gone forever. You saved me. I didn't follow orders, and you risked everything to make sure I came back out. Why? You could have had a happy life with your wife, could have had kids and grandkids, and had the perfect life without me. But you came back. Came back to the Agency, came back into that building that killed you. Because of me. Because of me, your wife is a widow, your future children will never be born, and the world will never again see those beautiful green eyes. You were taken from me, so I took you from the rest of the world.

Everyone calls it "Losing Vaughn", but you're not lost. I thought I had lost you after I woke up in Hong Kong, but you were right there, you were in plain sight, I could touch you. That's not lost. And you're not lost now. Because no matter where I go, the pier, the warehouse, the train station, I'll never find you. But maybe that's it. Maybe you don't want to be found. At least, not by me. Maybe I can't find you because she's meant to. Maybe only she's meant to have you forever. But now, no one does. You're nowhere, you're nobody's. But you were never mine. You were always hers, even when we were together. That's what soul mates are. You could never be mine, because you were always hers. She was meant to have you have your love; I was just someone along the way to finding her. I just mistook myself for her, for the one you were supposed to love forever. But I know my place now. Loving you from the sidelines.

That's why no one's said anything. I'm not supposed to love you, and comforting me would mean they would have to acknowledge my feelings. But I'm no longer ashamed of my love. You're a good, kind, gentle, loving man, and I loved you. I love you.

I guess I'm not the only who stayed, because Eric is now standing beside me. He doesn't say anything, but he was the only one who knew, who really knew how I felt. Knew how much I loved you, always loved you. He's holding a white rose, my favorite. He's about to place it on your grave, and I reach out, holding it with him, my finger pricking on a thorn, a drop of my blood falling onto the stone that's supposed to honor you. He doesn't look at me, just shivers. Then we let go, the blossom tumbling from our fingers, coming to rest on the rough stone.

II.  
The sun's shining, but I can't feel the warmth. I can't feel anything. You're gone. Everyone else has probably left. I can't leave you. Not again. You said I gave up on us, but not this time. 

No one's spoken a word to me, not even Weiss. He's been with Lauren, unsure of what to say to me. Lauren. I can't stand to even look at her, not after this. Because I know, behind those crocodile tears, she's happy that you, my love, are out of the way. She never liked you, never trusted you, and I hate her for that. I hate her for not seeing _you_. If she had, she would have known of your purity that we would never mar through impure actions. But she didn't. She assumed you were as petty as she is. She wanted this, maybe even planned the accident, maybe-No. I know this loathing I feel for her isn't really for her, just redirected hate that should be focused at the man who abandoned you. But I've hated him for so long before this that I feel that this new anger deserves a fresh source.

Everyone's wearing black, the idiots. Don't they know you hated black? That you couldn't wait to get home and out of your drab work clothes? And your funeral. The flowers were all red roses. Every-single-one. But you thought red roses were too clichéd, you liked white. But they brought red all the same. No matter what you liked, they stuck to their stupid traditions. How could they have stood there, pretending to know you? If they cared about you so much, where were they when you resurfaced and needed their support?

I feel sick. My body doesn't know how to function now that you're gone. My movements are stiff, programmed. Once again, I think of the man that broke your heart. The man that welcomed you back into his life by telling you he didn't regret moving on, leaving you behind. The man who raised your hopes only to crush them. The man who was given the honor of being you Guardian Angel, then failed you. Twice. The first time, it was because he had become complacent, taking you and his duties for granted, letting his guard down and allowing you to be taken. He was given a second chance, but this time, he claimed your "death", which was the result of his neglect, nullified his involvement. He quit. He gave up on you, allowing you to be taken once more. But this time, because of him, you're never coming back to me. I despise him; every inch of me wants to make him suffer. He needs to pay for what he's done, the man in the mirror. What I've done.

You're dead because I actively failed to save you. Because I failed to make you stay. Why should you stay? Since you came back, I never held you when you were afraid, never dried you tears when you cried, never chased away the nightmares that kept you awake. When was the last time you were told how beautiful you are? When was the last time you were told how much you were missed? That you were loved? That without you, the world would be empty, devoid of any relevance whatsoever? I can't remember, and it scares me. Because last time you died, although I never said the words, you knew how I felt about you, how much you meant, still mean to me. Last time, I could remember our last kiss, the last loving words we spoke, the last time we made love, and it haunted me. But those echoes could never torment me the way the shadows of the words I never spoke do. If I released them now, would it matter? I can't move my lips to speak, so my heart will scream them.

I love you. I've always loved you, and always will. It's cracked, broken, and burnt, but you have my heart. Although those words cannot be spoken out loud, my body unwilling to do anything but exist, I need to believe you've heard them. I won't hide my love for you.

That's why no one's spoken to me. They don't know what would be appropriate. They don't want to acknowledge my loss, because that would be acknowledging my love. Damn them. Don't they know it doesn't matter any more? Don't they know it was our silence that killed you? They must, yet they still continue to act as though I'm not supposed to love you. I don't care about their rules. Neither did you. You did what was right, and you were killed for it. You always had to do what's right, always had to serve everyone else before yourself.

I didn't hear footsteps, but they must have fallen against the ground, because Eric is standing beside me. He's holding a white rose. He knew, he knew you, knew us, how I feel. His hand is hovering over your headstone, the gray block the world thinks is a fitting tribute to the most beautiful, loving woman that ever lived. I reach out and wrap my fingers around the stem, a drop of my blood staining the stone as a thorn rips through my skin. He doesn't react, just shudders. Together, we let go, the bloom falling to the hard marble.

III.  
You were both so stubborn. You refused to obey a restraining command, and he refused to leave you behind. You said the antidote was your prerogative, and despite warnings, you went back in. And Mike, of course, you had to make sure she was alright. Never thought of yourselves, always everyone else, always each other first. But I think this is how you always knew it would end. Sydney and Vaughn. A team. But together forever isn't supposed to be a death sentence. You were supposed to be happy, the perfect couple. But things fell apart, and life screwed you both. You both had to cope with losing the other, and it changed you. You were still brave, compassionate, caring-everything you had been, but the strain was starting to show. Before, the weight of the world was nothing to you two; you always had the other to help support you when you felt weak. But not now. No, now the cracks had started to show when you didn't have the other to mend them. But you ignored this, put everyone and everything else first.

Syd. After everything, you were still so strong. Every day you put on the façade that everything was alright, even when your world had fallen apart. And you were good to them. No matter how you felt, you never let it all overcome you. And I know how hard it was for you to see then together. I saw it when you fell apart, saw it when you cried. But you were still so strong.

Mike. You were my best friend, my best friend, man. I saw you when you lost her, what it did to you. Then she came back, after you got some semblance of control over your life, and it destroyed you. It killed you to think that she was unhappy, and you beat yourself up for it. But you're a good man, and she knew that. She believed that.

It's too late, we've all been silent for too long. Nothing can come of it, but it needs to be spoken. Since you can no longer voice it, I will. You both need to know. Then, maybe, the world will find peace. You loved each other. Sydney loved you, Vaughn, and he loved you back Syd, above everything.

I take out a rose, its white, like a flag of surrender. This is the truce to settle the war of silence. This rose represents the declaration of your love, love that never did, and never could end. A thorn scratches my skin, a drop of blood sealing the pact as it hits the stone meant to glorify the couple that never could be.

There's no breeze, but I shake, unnerved by a non-existent chill. The rose falls to the stone, the petals dancing, white flags whipping boldly through the air, once and for all ending the battle of unspoken words with the recognition that you had been in love, the power of your adoration, the only force capable of conquering the deadly absence of sound.  
-------------  
The silence was broken, the souls of the departed lovers finally put to rest, as the white rose hit the stone.  
Fin.


End file.
